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Post by frostblade62 on Nov 23, 2009 22:11:09 GMT -5
IN FOR REPAIRS
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Post by Mr.Bobert on May 24, 2010 21:20:29 GMT -5
The story's pretty good, but I'm not quite sure what the whole 'holy aura' and 'dark aura' are. I'm assuming the 'dark aura' is from the Harbinger's Realm? Also, why wouldn't the Harbingers follow them through that portal? How did they even open it in the first place? Do they have the same sort of technology as the Harbingers do to make the portals? And if they did, wouldn't the Harbingers just have destroyed it all when they attacked?
The stats are a bit high. Lower them, especially the military strength. A 10 is rather... pwnsome? A bit too much so. A 10 in anything would be pretty much absolute godness. There would be nothing that could stand in the way of a 10. No competition.
The story should be longer, and there are some serious grammar/capitalization problems.
Also, though you've described the history of the people, I don't really feel as if you've explained the people as a whole. Describe them better in the history, too.
Fix all that and you should be good to go. ^_^
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Post by frostblade62 on May 26, 2010 21:13:56 GMT -5
The story's pretty good, but I'm not quite sure what the whole 'holy aura' and 'dark aura' are. I'm assuming the 'dark aura' is from the Harbinger's Realm? Also, why wouldn't the Harbingers follow them through that portal? How did they even open it in the first place? Do they have the same sort of technology as the Harbingers do to make the portals? And if they did, wouldn't the Harbingers just have destroyed it all when they attacked? The stats are a bit high. Lower them, especially the military strength. A 10 is rather... pwnsome? A bit too much so. A 10 in anything would be pretty much absolute godness. There would be nothing that could stand in the way of a 10. No competition. The story should be longer, and there are some serious grammar/capitalization problems. Also, though you've described the history of the people, I don't really feel as if you've explained the people as a whole. Describe them better in the history, too. Fix all that and you should be good to go. ^_^ i feel abused. though the military strength i didn't reallise it was on that type of scale. thanks for info
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Post by Mr.Bobert on Jun 18, 2010 10:22:16 GMT -5
Faction Name: Zacharia User-Created? Yes Original Universe: User-Created Dominant Species: Allaran Population Size: 8 Military Strength: 7 Technology Level: 7 Government Type: Democracy Faction Strengths: extremely good industry, large amount of resources, Faction Weaknesses: some may act before thinking, some are more affected by darkness, Faction History: the Salvoris and the were from the first lower realm and when the Harbingers came to enslave them, they refused and the Harbingers slowly destroyed them. crushing them with their advanced technology. until the Salvoris accidentally found an artifact on a planet that the Krisis had occupied that was called a Chappa'ko, which had eighty segments which when composed, made a ring shape. they didn't have enough energy to power it until they channeled energy from a nearby black hole, but they didn't know how to turn it on. Until they found another smaller ring which was damaged but they did get a dialing device, and after a long time, they connected the dialing device. and as their last lines of defense failed, they scored a correct set of symbols. And the portal opened. With all the supplies they had left the survivors retreated through it without even knowing where it went. they ended up in the first higher realm and found the Allaran, who were an elf race and when the Salvoris began to die from the holy aura, they were redeemed and they lost their dark aura. then they banded together with the Allaran and they forged the Zacharia and they began to strengthen their forces and develop new technology. They were prepared for the harbingers to come after them but, they never came. They assumed the harbingers never could figure out the adress or destroyed the chappa'ko. they designed a portal based off of the chappa'ko they used to survive the genocide, and are now preparing a massive armada to go defeat the Harbinger empire. Other Notes: dark aura is from the first lower realm and the holy aura is from the first upper realm (based off of the seven heavens and hells theory) and bobert, to answer your question, no they don't have the same technology as the harbingers. and I hope you make the connection with the chappa'ko Okay, much better, but there are still one or two things to fix. First off, I like the Chappa'ko thing... but that's the Jaffa language, and I don't know if or how it would come to this other realm thing. I suggest just making your own name for it. A small thing, but one that's been bugging me; change that period to a comma How exactly did they become redeemed? You also misspelled 'address' as 'adress'. Another little thing. That should be it, methinks.
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Post by frostblade62 on Aug 7, 2010 17:52:17 GMT -5
Is it approved?
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Post by Mr.Bobert on Aug 12, 2010 10:14:43 GMT -5
Much, much better. The only problems I found now are simple grammar ones. Here's what it should look like.
Faction History: The Salvoris and the were originally from the first lower realm.and When the Harbingers came to enslave them, they refused and the Harbingers slowly destroyed them, crushing them with their advanced technology. The Salvoris fought back. Though the Harbingers possessed superior technology and had a larger fighting force, the Salvoris fought bravely and fiercely. But eventually, they were pushed back by the Harbingers. (I'm assuming that the Salvoris would have fought back strongly, as they're warriors. If not, just remove that part.) until the Several months into the futile war, the Salvoris accidentally found an artifact on a planet that the Krisis had occupied. that They called itthe the Unbekannte Grosse. whichIt had eighty segments which when composed, made a ring shape. they didn't have enough energy to power it until they channeled energy from a nearby black hole. But they still didn't know how to turn it onactivate it, until they found another smaller ring which was damaged but they did get a dialing device, and after a long time, they connected the dialing device. And as their last lines of defense failed, they scored a correct set of symbols, and the portal opened. With all the supplies they had left the survivors retreated through it without even knowing where it went. they ended up in the first higher realm and found the Allaran, who were an elf race. And when the Salvoris began to die from the holy aura, they were redeemed by the Allaran and they lost their dark aura. The two races then they banded together with the Allaran and they forged the Zacharia. and They began to strengthen their forces and develop new technology. They were prepared for the Harbingers to come after them but, they never came. They assumed the Harbingers never could figure out the address or destroyed the Unbekannte Grosse. they designed a portal based off of the Unbekannte Grosse. they used to survive the genocide, and are now preparing a massive armada to go defeat the Harbinger empire.
Other Notes: dark aura is from the first lower realm and the holy aura is from the first upper realm (based off of the seven heavens and hells theory) and bobert, to answer your question, no they don't have the same technology as the harbingers. and I hope you make the connection with the portal
If you can make it look like that, you're good to go.
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Post by frostblade62 on Aug 12, 2010 17:23:49 GMT -5
the salvoris were pushed back easily because they were barely in the space age, so................. ya
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Post by Mr.Bobert on Aug 14, 2010 8:06:06 GMT -5
Now all you need to do is get the Salvoris, and maybe the Allaran approved, and you can start ;D ;D
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Post by frostblade62 on Feb 3, 2011 12:35:32 GMT -5
Can someone delete this, please?
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